@Browtweaten

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

You Might Also Like

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@tweetmommybop

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@PrisonCookies

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

@RodLacroix

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake