Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*


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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on


We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.


Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie


I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.


Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.


Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake