Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use