Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
no regrets
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally