JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*