Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.