@daemonic3

me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

@dru0887

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

@dorsalstream

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.