Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes