@clichedout

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

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@TuSoonShakur

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

@KieranSoFar

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

@Schmoodles

High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.

@dave_cactus

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

@zachreinert03

I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes

@roostermustache

Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

@caseytduncan

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.