ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel
Cop: ya so what
Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage
Cop:*macing me* son of a
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.