me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

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I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…


[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.


if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.


Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.


I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods


I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —



I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”


According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.



Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.


Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?