me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*


fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?


High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.


ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!


I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes


Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a


If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.


*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine


My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.