I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?