I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.