Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
waiting for halloween be like:
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens