ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
i think we should see other cousins
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.