People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”
Yes. Yes, you do.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”