Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!


What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?


[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE


If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob


WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate


Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop


“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.


[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”