Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.