@nice_mustard

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

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@LanieLalaBugs

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

@GrrrRach

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@Michael_Erhart

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

@nbadag

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

@Tups13

Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??

@GaryJanetti

Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.

@junejuly12

[alarm goes off]

me: *presses snooze button*

foot cramp: hahahahaha nope