ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
They’re on their honeymoon
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.