My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.
Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??
Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.
[alarm goes off]
me: *presses snooze button*
foot cramp: hahahahaha nope