Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
yeah no that’s fair
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister