Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Can’t stop laughing
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Woke up against my better judgement again
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups