@AmishPornStar1

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

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@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@DurtMcHurtt

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@KevinFarzad

Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science

@FredTaming

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

@tastefactory

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

@princess_snide

Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped: