Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.


Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science


bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]


I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv


Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped: