me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
It’s an epidemic…
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking