ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.