ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You Might Also Like
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
What do you hear?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.