ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.