I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*
*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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-So you love me too?!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony