ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.