@daemonic3

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

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@tsm560

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@agasramirez

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony