ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”