@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

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@Marlebean

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

@QwertyJones3

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN

“have a police dog?”

COPS: YES

“only the dog can come in”

COP: BUT-

“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@Chumpstring

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

@SondraDeeMe

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.