@AristotlesNZ

Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*

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@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@UnFitz

Me: I’d take a bullet for you.
Her: Just empty the litter box.
Me: No.

@Vice_Queen

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

@truegritrumble

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”

@Kirangandhi

My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters

@SincerelyMen

Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed