My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.