@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

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@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

@joeyfullystated

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

@jackmackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@TheOnion

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

@pharmasean

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

@davidkenny100

Pal: “on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals”

Me: “how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?”

@_SoulCoffee

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why