My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
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lol google now has a feature that says the the ad knew too much.
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Pal: “on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals”
Me: “how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?”
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why