Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me, flirting😏
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.