My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?
“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
Nobody ever sneezes in movies.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?
Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.