@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

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@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@michaelianblack

“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@Browtweaten

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

@ElmoYouNasty

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.