*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.


BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?


“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.


[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best


Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning


Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy


[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?


Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.