*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

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[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*



I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids


I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”


Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends


I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.


The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.