ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My wife gives the best headache.