@Eithercryingor

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

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@mattgallo123

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

@mxmclain

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

@Darlainky

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

@JUSTLisandra

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@hermanntrude

Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”

@Humor_Fetish

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

@XplodingUnicorn

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.