Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides


Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.


Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”


Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”


“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.


3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?


Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.