Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.