Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.


Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.


Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.


Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.


AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you


Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.


I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.


Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”


There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.