@Eithercryingor

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

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@Rollmaninoz

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

@SamGrittner

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

@shutupmikeginn

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

@TheAlexNevil

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

@momsense_ensues

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.