@Eithercryingor

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

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@cramoska

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@Home_Halfway

COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@Kryzazy

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

@Donnie_Fairburn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

@TheToddWilliams

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day