Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Autocarrot sucks!
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Would you wear it?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.