Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Very good! 👍😂
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
inside you are two wolves
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.