My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
first you must answer his riddles
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Not today
How wrong was this guy?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?