I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I unironically love this joke.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.