Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Not today. 😅
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Challenge accepted.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed