@upsidedowntrash

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

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@bestestname

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@BonaFideIntent

Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*

@brendohare

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

@SirEviscerate

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.