Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
LMAO.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5