@Area51eh

Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

@shashaintl

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

@jamdugg

*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

@InternetHippo

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

@DanMentos

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14