Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14