@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

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@causticbob

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?

My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*

Me: *runs into traffic*

@TuSoonShakur

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.