@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

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@tabsickle

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@MortifiedMama

On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

@rockymomax

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

@stephenjmolloy

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@LogicLaughs

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.