ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.


Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?

My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*

Me: *runs into traffic*


HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this


One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.


[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired


Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.