Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”