My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?
My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*
Me: *runs into traffic*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.