@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

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@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@Tmoney68

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

@Nomyzie

We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.

@rebrafsim

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

@jdstalnaked

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

@JohnLyonTweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”