Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A


*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?


Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.


Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”


[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster


Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing


If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”


If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.


[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]