@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

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@iGreenGod

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

@3sunzzz

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

@bartandsoul

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

@Darlainky

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

@TheWidowmakerX

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@SaltyCorpse

Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.