Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
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Whenever I feel like sad I just think of this interaction.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My blood type is B positive. The irony isn’t lost on me.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.
My son eats ketchup on his tacos.