Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
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gm
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.