@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

You Might Also Like

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@thenatewolf

*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

@gregreckons

Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”

@notacroc

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

@caitieekk

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

@AimeeHelene1

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]