[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google