Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
When the stylist spins you back around
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*