Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

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[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*


KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?


Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello


ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*


Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.


Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google