Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter