Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead


*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising


My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.


My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.


Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home


I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving


Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.


Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.


“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.