Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Lmbo
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
courtroom exchange of the day
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom