ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*