ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
You Might Also Like
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
same bro
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.