me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere