ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk