ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
That 👊
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.