@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

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@sickipediabot

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@prodnose

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

@T_Bonezzz_

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

@Home_Halfway

ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@amandamull

Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache

@ElodiaHugesfxh

“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”