ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

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My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.


So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.


Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.


If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out


ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats


Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache


“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”