Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
You Might Also Like
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Stop.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.