ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”