@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

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@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@fro_vo

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@jazmasta

Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.

@jackiembouvier

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

@OffTheHutch

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.