I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
*opens another beer*
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.